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To Do List

-Get hair dyed bright red like Emilie Autumn and try to keep it that way
-Save up money for surgery and to visit the girl I love
-Don’t kill myself
-Continue receiving therapy and medication through the county mental health agency
-Reach a size that makes me happy in a healthy way
-Get a corset and start waist training when I reach my goal size
-Keep trying to visit friends I can reach to hang out with and do fun things with and get help with hair dyeing
-Make sure my car doesn’t break down
-Work lolita fashion into my everyday style
-Move out of bumfuck Lancaster Ohio
-Find a way to receive a higher education without being enslaved by the banking or credit industries
-Shower Nabi with all the love and affection in the world
-Stop being so fucking shy and be the babygirl I really am inside :D
-Be hopeful
Once upon a time there was a special little baby girl named Lydia.
She was as sweet as sugar and cute as a button but was conceived into unfortunate circumstances.
The enviroment of her birth somehow was compromised and she developed into a male form instead; forced to bear this burden for the rest of her life.
Her family had good intentions but their character flaws would eventually come to harm sweet Lydia.
Lydia's father was an industrious man but held back by a traumatic family history, unchained anger, and alcoholism. Her mother was sweet yet quite passive and defenseless and fell control to my father. They both allowed my sister to become very controlling without empathy.
Her sister is a contemptible, bigoted sociopath that tries to force her to live as someone who isn't even real.
Lydia's sadness came into focus around her biological age of five, making her cry frequently and subjected her to mood swings that would get her into trouble. She found it very hard to be interested in schoolwork at all as the world around her felt too lonely and oppressing.
Around the age of 14, she began to discover a handful of things that made her happy and began to understand that she was born into the wrong body. Lydia remembered that she loves japanese animation; especially of the very girly shojo genre...in addition to video games,
hanging out with friends whenever she can, cuddling, being the little girl that she really is inside, and trying to cope with the nightmare of a world that surrounds her...as much as she longs for a fairy tale.
Lydia's bodily dysphoria began to peak around her junior and senior years of high school and she turned to drugs in order to escape the overwhelming sense of claustrophobia and disgust she felt along with the saddening role that society had paved for her all because of how her body was shaped at birth.
She had nearly killed herself trying so many different combinations of potentially hazardous substances to blot out the immense agony that was forced inside her. Her only true escapes at the time were gothic fashion, the friendships of hers that were beginning to develop, and her hope that someday she would be the beautiful, happy fat princess of her dreams.
In the year 2007, she was pushed to the point where she had to become herself in order to continue to survive. Lydia tries so hard to aim towards what makes her happy and trying to take care of herself but finds it so difficult when she experiences the world around her falling to pieces and horrifying her with it's overt insensitivity and absence of care and emotion.
She is like a budding flower pushing herself above the decay that lies before her. Deep inside her lies a massive void where her childhood belongs, along with the horrific scenes of abuse that continue to haunt her to this day...all inflicted upon her by the very same enviroment which gave birth to her.
She now longs to be her true self that's deep inside her delicate sweet heart...and to be with the one that will help take care of her and show her the love she has always needed. With love as enduring as the stars that shine brightly and have produced the matter which we all consist of, Lydia and her love will reflect beauty and affection in all directions, striving to be all that they can be.
The end.

I'm not dead yet...

I haven't been on LJ much at all recently.
I still have not recovered from losing my job on February 2nd, and i've been too depressed to do much of anything.
Once (if?) I have an income again, first things I plan to do are to get a new pair of glasses to replace the pair that my monstrous sociopath of a sister broke, get some work done on my car, and then visit everyone I can.

I miss everyone to death.

Feb. 18th, 2012

I haven't posted in a while...because I typically use LJ for interacting with the lolita community, but I have been incredibly preoccupied lately x_x

Had a great birthday thanks to my friend Andrea, and had an ok time at Ohayocon 2012 until I got too lonely in the crowd and left early Saturday night. I got laid off from my job without any notice on February 3rd, exactly a day and a year after my father's death. I haven't really left my bed much since then...I don't like being thrown away. I ended up going to the ER last Saturday due to intentionally overdosing on cough syrup (which I rather not get into.)
My bodily dysphoria is the worst it's been since i've started transition, so right now all I can think about is how quickly I can save up $25,000 for an important procedure...also trying not to think of all the ridiculous breaches of civil and reproductive rights that my country's government is trying to perpetrate...

I have a tumblr now at least - http://ohdollydear.tumblr.com/
It's strangely funny how most of everyone wants to be tall, thin, tan, toned, physically strong, mature, and stylistically unique but still wanting to blend in...while I wish to be short, fat, pale as death, soft, just barely strong enough to carry on with my life, entirely ageless, and as cute and feminine as possible while at the same time being very dark, ethereal, and utterly unique. My priorities and ideals of beauty are also different than most of everyone...especially considering I want nothing more in all existence than to be a real, happy girl...along with to be with another girl to shower with all the love and affection in the universe. Working towards anything else feels like a complete waste of time. ;_;
I am quitting lolita for the time being. It's too overwhelming to bother getting dressed in lolita when it takes so much work to look just right and it doesn't make me feel that much better anymore. Under such feminine fashion I still hate the way my body looks underneath it. My shoulders and height are never going away, at least not without a severely traumatic accident of some sort. I can't get anything washed in my house since the water softener is broken and my mom can't afford to fix it...and our water is very hard with significant amounts of iron which would ruin anything I washed. Also, the best looking lolita is made for dainty Japanese girls and I no longer want to remain very thin just to fit into a fashion. I abhor the shape of my skeleton...and i've always wanted curves!! Sewing my own lolita just isn't feasible quite yet. I will return someday, and i'm not selling anything except for the couple of items that never fit in the first place.

I will just aim for a very done-up babydoll goth style with some overt Victorian influences. It would be much more practical than lolita and I could wear it all the time and not worry about anything getting ruined since everything will be mostly black and nowhere near as expensive. I feel like it would be much easier to experiment with and truly make my own, and would give me more stylistic freedom to find what I look and feel best in. I am also planning on getting measured soon and getting a corset custom made that I can start waist training in. ^^

Tags:

I want nothing more in my life than to feel like a real girl.
It's my biggest wish and what I need to feel happy.

I'm going to fight to the death to feel as girly, happy, lady-like, sweet, and affectionate as I need to be. I have nearly twenty four years of being in my personal hell to overcome and I can't let it get the best of me.

Soon everyone will see the real lovely me. Anything that gets in the way of my hidden girlhood and the love I need to feel will be destroyed.


It glittered and it gleamed
For the arriving beauty queen
A ring and a car
Now you're the prettiest by far

No party she'd not attend
No invitation she wouldn't send
Transfixed by the inner sound
Of your promise to be found, oh

Nothing or no-one will ever
Make me let you down

Kiss them for me, I may be delayed
Kiss them for me, if I am delayed

It's divoon, oh it's serene
In the fountains pink champagne
Someone carving their devotion
In the heart shaped pool of fame, oh

Nothing or no-one will ever
Make me let you down

Kiss them for me, I may be delayed
Kiss them for me, I may find myself delayed

On the road to New Orleans
A spray of stars hit the screen
As the 10th impact shimmered
The forbidden candles beamed

Kiss them for me, I may be delayed
Kiss them for me, I may find myself delayed

Kiss them for me, kiss them for me
Kiss them for me, I may find myself delayed

Kiss them for me
Kiss them for me
I wish:


~To be adorably short like i've always should have been (between 5'0" and 5'2", absolutely no taller than 5'2.5")
~To have a bone structure and fat distribution pattern that would let me love my body, no matter how fat I would be
~To have had a childhood and adolescence as the girl i've always should have been
~To have a sweet, caring, financially stable and functional family that looked out for me and respected my identity
~For a sweet girlfriend who I can shower with all the love and affection in the world and would do the same for me, and will cuddle with me every night and take care of me when needed
~To live in a country that had universal health care, equal rights for everyone regardless of who they love, a functioning legislature without stupid partisan bullshit, and didn't spend trillions of dollars fighting endless wars in some desert wasteland a half a world away, giving tax breaks to billionaires, or subsidizing crap like corn and oil
~To have actually cared about grades back in school and be able to attend college without paying off student loans for 30 years
~To have a pretty sounding voice that would sound sweet and would sound like it truly belonged to me without any effort
~To have lovely hair that wasn't a thin frizzy unmanageable mess
~To have a mind that isn't riddled with mental illness
~To have close friends I could see everyday that didn't live many hours away

~To not have been raised in a little bumfuck hick town without broadband internet

Flowers

This is my favorite sad story
Forget-me-not, or I'll forget myself
I've got quite a few things that I'm afraid of
Sometimes I just can't face myself
This is my favorite sad story
Forget-me-not, or I'll forget myself
I guess I'll tuck myself away tonight
You know it's been one of those days

Every pretty flower
Every lovely flower
Every deadly flower
Hides its light inside of shame

I do not know why you don't know
I cannot reap what you have sown
Beneath this blanket of loose soil
Wrapped around my mortal coil

Well, a stem is not a rose
But that's how my garden grows
I can't see the forest for the trees
The stinking poison for disease
Now it's all shot to hell and back again
I seek redemption for the same old sin
And I fall on my knees
I pray that all the poppies they...
They will just fade away
But fields of poppies they remain
And that's how they found me last time...dead

This is my favorite sad story
Forget-me-not, or I'll forget myself
I've got quite a few things that I'm afraid of
Sometimes I just won't face myself
This is my favorite sad story
Forget-me-not, or I'll forget myself
I guess I'll just tuck myself away tonight
You know its been one of those days

Every pretty flower
Every lovely flower
Every deadly flower
Hides its light inside of shame

I do not know why you don't know
I cannot reap what you have sown
Beneath this blanket of loose soil
Wrapped around my mortal coil

Irises lay in spring mud
Where lovers drown each others' sorrows
Where lovers dream about tomorrow
As for me I drown another kind
Sadness runs course through my veins
Posies wreath, they crown me
My heart...my heart

I should just fade away
I should just fade away
Fade away
Like a flower

Life (What next?)

I think I have wasted my entire life. Or is it life that has wasted me?

It seems that nearly everyone else my age that I know is either finishing up or graduating from college or traveling around the world like it's going grocery shopping, while i'm still stuck in the same town that I have been in since I was a year old. I sincerely regret not saving up every single cent that I have ever received in my life, because it's ultimately now that I would have needed it. I'm not really going anywhere with my job. The dirtiness of my job and my redneck coworker, in addition to my home life is becoming more unbearable with each day. I need to move out but if I do, it will take much longer for me to save up for the surgery I need, in addition to some hope of a higher education. I haven't found anyone looking for a roommate, and it could take months for me to find a job.

This house kills my motivation to do anything except sit on my laptop all day or just lay in bed. To me; it's just a prison where I can come and go as I please. There's so much that I want to do though. I want to cook and bake and experiment with making exotic mixed drinks, I want to sew, knit, quilt, and make dolls; I want to learn to speak and write Japanese, French, and German; I want to learn how to play the violin, the cello, the piano, and guitar. I want to learn computer programming; I want to study chemistry, world history, sociology, psychology, astronomy, and computer science; I want to draw, and write fanfiction. I want to take the time to do my makeup every day; like a perfect ethereal doll, like Emilie Autumn, Siouxsie Sioux, Mana, Dada from Velvet Eden; like in a way that shows who I really am on the outside in some form. I want to cosplay. I want to dance; ballroom, belly dance, waltz, etc. I want to live a life that's worth blogging about, like Victoria Suzanne from Lolita Charm. I have never read much, yet there's so many books that I just want to read, but can't since having to listen to anything beyond these paper-thin walls makes it very difficult to concentrate. My brain is going to waste.

It certainly feels like everything is collapsing on me. I am more alone now than I have ever been, and my bodily dysphoria isn't improving at all. Quite often I just want to talk to someone, but I never know what to say first, and i'm so scared of pushing people away with my depression. I feel so emotionally distant from everyone. Rarely anyone else starts a conversation with me anymore. I need to see a therapist again and possibly get back on meds, but it's just not possible for me due to America's sadistic health care system. Nothing makes me happy anymore except for being around my friends which I never see, sleep, and lolita fashion....but it's hard to get motivated to dress up when I feel quite uncomfortable in my body to begin with, and when it's very hard to get anything washed in my house as there's no receptacle for hand washing anything, and there's nowhere to dry anything. There's nothing much to do when i'm dressed unless if there's a convention or meetup in town.

I'm just at a loss as to what to do next. I want to salvage some sort of youth before my chance to do so is gone forever. It seems it all comes down to money which I have little of, and I fear that the economy will collapse before I have a chance and end up as part of some lost generation. I'm sorry if no one really wants to read this.