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Life (What next?)

I think I have wasted my entire life. Or is it life that has wasted me?

It seems that nearly everyone else my age that I know is either finishing up or graduating from college or traveling around the world like it's going grocery shopping, while i'm still stuck in the same town that I have been in since I was a year old. I sincerely regret not saving up every single cent that I have ever received in my life, because it's ultimately now that I would have needed it. I'm not really going anywhere with my job. The dirtiness of my job and my redneck coworker, in addition to my home life is becoming more unbearable with each day. I need to move out but if I do, it will take much longer for me to save up for the surgery I need, in addition to some hope of a higher education. I haven't found anyone looking for a roommate, and it could take months for me to find a job.

This house kills my motivation to do anything except sit on my laptop all day or just lay in bed. To me; it's just a prison where I can come and go as I please. There's so much that I want to do though. I want to cook and bake and experiment with making exotic mixed drinks, I want to sew, knit, quilt, and make dolls; I want to learn to speak and write Japanese, French, and German; I want to learn how to play the violin, the cello, the piano, and guitar. I want to learn computer programming; I want to study chemistry, world history, sociology, psychology, astronomy, and computer science; I want to draw, and write fanfiction. I want to take the time to do my makeup every day; like a perfect ethereal doll, like Emilie Autumn, Siouxsie Sioux, Mana, Dada from Velvet Eden; like in a way that shows who I really am on the outside in some form. I want to cosplay. I want to dance; ballroom, belly dance, waltz, etc. I want to live a life that's worth blogging about, like Victoria Suzanne from Lolita Charm. I have never read much, yet there's so many books that I just want to read, but can't since having to listen to anything beyond these paper-thin walls makes it very difficult to concentrate. My brain is going to waste.

It certainly feels like everything is collapsing on me. I am more alone now than I have ever been, and my bodily dysphoria isn't improving at all. Quite often I just want to talk to someone, but I never know what to say first, and i'm so scared of pushing people away with my depression. I feel so emotionally distant from everyone. Rarely anyone else starts a conversation with me anymore. I need to see a therapist again and possibly get back on meds, but it's just not possible for me due to America's sadistic health care system. Nothing makes me happy anymore except for being around my friends which I never see, sleep, and lolita fashion....but it's hard to get motivated to dress up when I feel quite uncomfortable in my body to begin with, and when it's very hard to get anything washed in my house as there's no receptacle for hand washing anything, and there's nowhere to dry anything. There's nothing much to do when i'm dressed unless if there's a convention or meetup in town.

I'm just at a loss as to what to do next. I want to salvage some sort of youth before my chance to do so is gone forever. It seems it all comes down to money which I have little of, and I fear that the economy will collapse before I have a chance and end up as part of some lost generation. I'm sorry if no one really wants to read this.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
kituvan_kiitos
Jun. 29th, 2011 05:41 pm (UTC)
That's kind of a sticky situation. Live in a place you're miserable in but get your surgery quicker, or live in a place you like but stay miserable in your body for a while longer. I don't know what it's like to be transgender, but it seems like the latter would lessen your misery slightly more even though you have to wait. If you think about it right now, you're both miserable where you're living and with your body. If you moved out, then your body would be the only thing to worry about, but your living area pleasant.
lolilydia
Jun. 29th, 2011 11:59 pm (UTC)
I believe you're right. I am seriously considering moving out since the way my sister acts is becoming too much to bear. I think I may have found someone who will let me be their roommate, but i'm not entirely sure. I'm going to spend the weekend with her to talk about it.
The part that scares me the most is looking for a new job (I am terrible with interviews) and finding one that pays enough to let me save up for surgery while still having an acceptable standard of living.
luciannamarie
Jul. 9th, 2011 08:14 pm (UTC)
I may never know what it's like to have to live with a body that doesn't feel my own, or to be in a horrible living situation, but I do know what it's like to feel left behind, alone, and scared.

Scared of not only my current situation, but the future. And it can be so over-whelming, that you just don't feel the desire to move sometimes.

But you have to. You have to find the beauty in life, the things that bring you joy, and to embrace them. No matter how hard it is. That's what makes a life worth living!

I know what it's like to have little to no money, but you can still do things you like regardless of that! I'm sure there are needles and thread floating around in your house somewhere...! You can google patterns and start to sew things, you can draw...you can even dance alone in your room. Make life worth living, and soon you will see there is brightness in the dark!

I hope you can find a safe haven to call home, and that things start to work out for you, Sweetheart.

Just know that even if it's hard to start conversations, or where to begin, there will be people to help you, like here! I just met you -today- and I already want to help you.

That's something to feel good about. Knowing you can come to others for help.

<3 I'm praying that some good fortune comes your way, Lydia.
lolilydia
Jul. 10th, 2011 12:22 am (UTC)
<3
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )