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I wish:


~To be adorably short like i've always should have been (between 5'0" and 5'2", absolutely no taller than 5'2.5")
~To have a bone structure and fat distribution pattern that would let me love my body, no matter how fat I would be
~To have had a childhood and adolescence as the girl i've always should have been
~To have a sweet, caring, financially stable and functional family that looked out for me and respected my identity
~For a sweet girlfriend who I can shower with all the love and affection in the world and would do the same for me, and will cuddle with me every night and take care of me when needed
~To live in a country that had universal health care, equal rights for everyone regardless of who they love, a functioning legislature without stupid partisan bullshit, and didn't spend trillions of dollars fighting endless wars in some desert wasteland a half a world away, giving tax breaks to billionaires, or subsidizing crap like corn and oil
~To have actually cared about grades back in school and be able to attend college without paying off student loans for 30 years
~To have a pretty sounding voice that would sound sweet and would sound like it truly belonged to me without any effort
~To have lovely hair that wasn't a thin frizzy unmanageable mess
~To have a mind that isn't riddled with mental illness
~To have close friends I could see everyday that didn't live many hours away

~To not have been raised in a little bumfuck hick town without broadband internet

Comments

( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
divine_fanaticy
Aug. 23rd, 2011 07:08 pm (UTC)
I agree with some of these myself, but I hope they do come true for you.

~For a sweet girlfriend who I can shower with all the love and affection in the world and would do the same for me, and will cuddle with me every night and take care of me when needed
~To live in a country that had universal health care, equal rights for everyone regardless of who they love, a functioning legislature without stupid partisan bullshit, and didn't spend trillions of dollars fighting endless wars in some desert wasteland a half a world away, giving tax breaks to billionaires, or subsidizing crap like corn and oil
~To have close friends I could see everyday that didn't live many hours away
lolilydia
Aug. 24th, 2011 04:16 pm (UTC)
I hope so too.
bebe_de_lune
Aug. 24th, 2011 04:15 am (UTC)
How tall are you? I am 4'11 and used to everyone being taller than me! I'd much rather be taller than this! Some of these things are fixable... my hair is a fried frizzy mess, but eventually I know it can be fixed, or I hope by finding some product out there that will do so! I have major hair problems, from all the dyeing I've done. Do you have no way to make friends? Even online? I meet most people I know online, even if it never goes offline. I just recently met someone who lives 5mins away (not that I expect anything to come of it). I, myself, just want 1-2 close friends I could see everyday... and I definitely want this--

~For a sweet girlfriend who I can shower with all the love and affection in the world and would do the same for me, and will cuddle with me every night and take care of me when needed

But slash girlfriend, for boyfriend for myself (I myself prefer male genitalia but feminine traits/etc). I hate the gender of male with a passion... anywho, I'm rambling.. my family was dysfunctional which I think in part led to my personality disorders/mental illness, do you feel you're missing something you didn't get from family growing up?

Also, if you lived closer, I'd definitely hang out with you everyday or all the time, if we got along that is or if you could stand me... but I looked and you live 3hrs away!
lolilydia
Aug. 24th, 2011 04:29 pm (UTC)
I'm 5'9.5" ;_; I've always hated being tall and can't stand being taller than almost everyone else. During puberty I would starve myself just as a futile attempt to stop what my body was doing to itself.
I do have some friends who i've met through the lolita community, but lately I only get to talk to them through facebook, and it doesn't feel anywhere near the same as being around them in real life. They all live around 2-3 hours away too and it's not often I get to see them. I am currently without internet at my house because my mom can't afford to pay the phone bill and I can only get dialup around here...I can only use the net on my phone with a half-broken screen, or during my hour lunch at work :(
Aww.
Almost all guys are creepy and insensitive to me...I only feel comfortable around and attracted to girls. Mine was too, and I wouldn't be surprised if it led to mine as well x_x I do feel something massive missing that I didn't get from my family as well as my childhood.
I would hang out with you everyday too if I could! I do drive up to around Cleveland once in a while to see friends so maybe we could see each other some day. ^^
I'm sure I could stand you....I always worry about people being able to stand me o_O
bebe_de_lune
Aug. 24th, 2011 06:42 pm (UTC)
I used to want to be 5.9 at some point or another because most models are required to be that tall or taller! I actually used to want to be taller so badly that I contemplated that surgery where they crack your legs and do something to lengthen them... talk about horrific. I've learned to not mind being so short!

That's great you do have some friends! I pretty much have 0 friend IRL and a boyfriend who never talks to me. What cellphone company do you have?? Just curious.... hmm...

God, I know, most guys are creepy and insensitive (or so damn stereotypical male that it's disgusting-- "Men eat meat"-- that type of bullshit). I wish I was attracted to girls, and in a way I am... as I am pansexual, in that I could be sexual with girls or anyone of any gender but for some odd reason relationship wise I still want to find a guy, "the one" (which is laugh worthy)... ugh!! I'm stupid! I only feel comfortable around guys.... I've never had female friends but considering I have a bf (ugh), I've wanted to branch out and attempt making/having female friends! It does suck you live so far away!

I feel something massive missing in me as well, it's like, even when I have a bf, I still feel I am searching for something I'll never find.... elusive!! What do you think or feel is missing? Could it be found in someone else?

That would be nice to hang out with you, would like to get to know you a little better before then, but we have time I am sure! Ehhh, lol, I am not sure you could stand me (I am neurotic as hell sometimes). But, I guess we'd see... I am sure I could stand you!
lolilydia
Aug. 25th, 2011 04:40 pm (UTC)
Aww...i'm sure that surgery would really hurt...and it takes quite a while before your height would noticeably be increased. I'm glad you learned to accept your height though ^^
Aww, I would probably be dead without my IRL friends even though I almost never get to see them. My primary phone is a cheap Tracfone but before I got that I had a phone with Boost Mobile that still has some residual service.
I know, right? For the most part i'm a lesbian (and transgender, but I don't really like to talk about it that much) and I could only be in a relationship with a guy if they were extremely feminine, and super feminine guys that aren't exclusively gay are pretty hard to find.
Almost all of my IRL friends are girls. I know...I really hate living so far away from everyone!
I feel that i'm missing practically all the socialization, encouragement, and stability I should have got as a child that I didn't get because of being born in the wrong body and having an emotionally distant and broken family. I think my family is also at least partially responsible for my extremely low self-confidence. I feel something else missing as well, but I can't seem to put it into words at the moment. I don't know if it could be found in someone else but i'd like to think so.
I am also neurotic as hell, and sometimes quite depressive as well o_O I can stand my friend Kayla, so I know I could stand you as well! ^^
bebe_de_lune
Aug. 26th, 2011 02:24 am (UTC)
Ahh, yeah, surgery would hurt and now a days I just equate my height to like faeries or elves, or something, if only I were thinner!

I've never had IRL friends, except if boyfriend's count... so I cannot say I'd be dead because I've been doing this all of my life..... not that I'm happy with it. And, that stinks about the phones! I remember back when I had Net10 or whatever it is, similar to Tracfone! I was so going to give you my T-Mobile tap, it just sticks a little every now and again!

Yes, men are annoying for sure... the stereotypical male gender... I definitely know what you mean as far as feminine or super feminine guys typically being gay.... it's a shame for me!!! Sometimes I wish I had a penis, solely for that reason... to be gay, but to be a MAN... NO! Never!! Just a woman with a penis.... I know TMI but eh. [Okay... I know that's a bit confusing...]

I honestly don't know if I'd get along with girls/females, I had ONE IRL female bestfriend, we were pen pals 4 yrs, then I flew to Maine to visit her, that friendship didn't last long... it was the best time of my life though, thus far!

I ramble... I am sorry you feel something is missing... I hope you can find something or someone someday to fill the void you have within yourself. Sorry you are also neurotic... at least it's better than being psychotic!!
lolilydia
Aug. 26th, 2011 04:19 pm (UTC)
That's a good way to look at it ^^ Aww...I think you are already pretty thin.
I know what you mean...if I had to be a guy for any longer than another 10 seconds or so (without any exaggeration) I would kill myself immediately.
Aww, hopefully you will again someday! I hope that I could also someday have a best friend I could see every day. I get so horribly lonely here.
I don't mind the rambling at all so it's ok :3
I hope so too....and that's true. ^^ Currently i'm taking Zoloft but I don't know if it's helping yet, and I can't afford a therapist x_x
bebe_de_lune
Aug. 26th, 2011 09:05 pm (UTC)
I'm not thin, you have no idea what you're talking about, honestly.... not to be rude.......

I will never have a female best friend ever again, I cannot see it happening EVER, that person will more than likely be in male form, because men are the only ones I talk to for the most part.... but it's cool, I honestly need to stop caring as much as I do. I hope you find that best friend you can see every day... I know what it's like to be horribly lonely... all my life... something's been missing... imagine trying to fill an endless abyss... it's impossible. You'll find someone! Try OkCupid maybe?

I'm on Pristiq but it does shit, I've taken 9 or so different medications (including Zoloft), the depression never goes away... and why can't you afford a therapist? I had MANY when I was without money and without insurance! Contact your local "job and family" services to find therapy places for those with no to low income or sliding scale places!
lolilydia
Aug. 29th, 2011 04:11 pm (UTC)
The therapists that are funded by the county government here have had some big cutbacks lately and don't extend their sliding scale to as many people lately. It's also hard for me to feel comfortable enough with a therapist to the point where I feel like I could share anything. It seems nearly impossible to get one to understand me.
bebe_de_lune
Aug. 29th, 2011 06:28 pm (UTC)
So you've been through all the available therapists? I mean, you cannot assume that every single one will not understand you if you've not been through all of them! If you have, then I'm sorry! If you ever need someone to talk to or advice, I can be pretty good with it (not that I am a licensed therapist --at all-- but half of my degree is Psychology) and maybe I could try to help you out...
lolilydia
Aug. 30th, 2011 04:18 pm (UTC)
I've seen about 15 different therapists in my life and none of them really seemed interested in who I really am. I have so much I need to save up for just to feel vaguely comfortable in my own body that I can't afford to see many more.
bebe_de_lune
Aug. 30th, 2011 06:06 pm (UTC)
You should come see my therapist, I am sure she'd understand... although no therapist is really interested in who anyone really is (as far as I've ever met, they have never been interested in getting to "know me")... but what the issues are that need to be solved, etc.
lolilydia
Aug. 31st, 2011 04:12 pm (UTC)
I could. The distance makes things a little hard but that sounds good.
bebe_de_lune
Aug. 31st, 2011 05:30 pm (UTC)
Yeah, the distance does make things hard for a lot of things!!
bebe_de_lune
Aug. 30th, 2011 06:08 pm (UTC)
Sorry, the 2nd comment you'll get, in your email I assume, was meant for someone else...
lolilydia
Aug. 31st, 2011 04:12 pm (UTC)
It's ok :3
kituvan_kiitos
Aug. 24th, 2011 07:41 am (UTC)
I thought you had given notice at your job and were going to move to Cleveland?
lolilydia
Aug. 24th, 2011 04:30 pm (UTC)
I have a few things to work out before I can. :(
( 19 comments — Leave a comment )