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Shopping list (for life)

(in descending order of priority)

~Gender-congruent sex organs

~A new face ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Facial_feminization_surgery , in addition to perhaps a chemical peel and some collagen injections)

~Complete permanent removal of all body hair ( with the only exceptions of head hair, upper eyebrows, and eyelashes)

~At least two corsets, all of which must be suitable for waist training

~Voice therapy

~A new place to live, far away from Lancaster and with decent broadband internet

~More lolita clothing (sweet and gothic)

~Liberal amounts of psychotherapy and psychiatric medication

~A larger cache of makeup

~A set of wigs

~Ear and septum piercings (performed by a piercing professional)

~A proper, adorable tea set

~A small mountain of stuffed animals

~Tonsil and wisdom teeth extractions

~Circle lenses (those cosmetic contact lenses from Korea which makes your eyes look huge, like a doll)

~All the necessary dental and orthodontic procedures for near-perfect teeth.

~More clothes for my Super Dollfie

~A laptop that doesn't have a defective screen

~A car that hasn't been wrecked, has working doors, and capable of driving across the country

~A college education (major unknown)

~A passport and a way out of the United States

I am transgender.

I feel that I can't hide it anymore. Specifically; I am an MtF transsexual, who has currently been transitioning for nearly four years. Acknowledging that I was once born in a male body is extremely painful for me and is not something I ever want to think about.

I took the first step in becoming myself on July 31st, 2007 with the administration of estrogen and anti-androgenic hormones, after spending 19 years stuck in a sad lie as a result of biology and a cruel rigid gender role. I was also able to get my name legally changed almost exactly a year later. I completely missed out on a happy, congruent childhood and every female milestone that every girl goes through and because of it, it feels like there is an immense developmental void inside.

I have always felt different in some way or another, and one of my first manifestations of feeling that something was wrong was my intense dislike of my name. I never liked being called my birth name, but I did not know why at the time. In retrospect, it was because I wanted a girl's name. The way that boys and girls were segregated for certain activities during my early school years also bothered me significantly. I absolutely abhored what puberty started doing to my body, and I would starve myself frequently in a futile attempt to make it stop, in addition to engaging in reckless drug use as a desperate measure to get it out of my head. I realized by the age of 14 that I had to be a girl in order to survive.

I have never wanted anything more in this wretched life than to be a normal, happy girl. The dysphoria of being stuck in the wrong body is the worst feeling that I have ever experienced. It is like the most horrible, suffocating feeling of claustrophobia in your own body combined with the most crushing feelings of self-disgust and an intense, overwhelming feeling of envy of most girls I see while online and out in the world. The envy is the worst part.

Even after being on hormones for almost four years and living as a girl for an almost equal amount of time, I still don't feel like i'm close to being myself. I still need to save up tens of thousands of dollars I need for surgery, and I almost never feel feminine enough for who I really am inside. My sister refuses to use the correct pronouns in reference to me and doesn't want to know the real me, and my mom doesn't want to put any effort in trying to refer to me correctly either, nor does she want to correct my sister. It what keeps me from ever wanting to be around them and keeps me with having a familial relationship with either of them, and it pains me deeply to hear them talk about me.

One of the only things I have discovered that helps me feel like myself is lolita fashion. I have always found the fashion intriguing and it helps me feel somewhat comfortable in my body when nothing else does. Being involved with the associated community has also made me feel like I belong somewhere, and goth culture has made me feel that way to a lesser extent as well.

If you can't treat me the same as any other girl, now knowing that i'm trans; then please stay out of my life before you make me feel worse.

Why

Why did I have to be born into such a cruel, unforgiving, cut-throat and lonely world?
Ever since i've been born, i've been screamed at and criticized over nearly everything I have ever done. Now that i'm "of age", it seems like i've been left alone to wither away and die. It feels like it's all my fault.
I feel like a timid alien on a planet of barbarians, or a little bunny rabbit among a world of rabid wolves, lions, and hawks.

Delay

I thought there was a place
Where stars shone bright with grace
And rain fell slow to time
While wind dispersed its seed
And now I learn I can't revive the past I've lost
And I shall pay the cost
Disuaded by the state
That traps my mind in place

Delay
There is always time
But how much will I be calling mine today?
I will search to find
A chance that else may only bring delay
I'll repeat the line
Replace the marks insisting that I stay
Towards the sun that blinds my way

I can see now you're lost inside
The trap that holds you down
The safety of your net
Creates a yearning to regress
On back receding towards
A tiny place that holds you close
To feel the dark it makes
Within your yearning to embrace

The fear that grows inside
Keeps churning every day
As the world surrounds
And moves to block your way
And now you're holding back
The things that you regret
But reaching towards the sky
Brings more than you could bet

Delay
There is always time
But how much will I be calling mine today?
I will search to find
A chance that else may only bring delay
I will take what's mine
Replace the marks insisting that I stay
Towards the sun that blinds my way

Delay
There is always time
But how much will I be calling mine today?
I will search to find
A chance that else may only bring delay
Delay
Delay
Delay
This has been the most bipolar week of my entire life.

I had one of the best times ever at Ohayocon last weekend...but that was quickly overshadowed when my dad died this past Wednesday.

My mom found him lying on the stairs unconscious, with his eyes wide open at around 6:35-6:45pm and called 911 immediately. Apparently he had been unconscious for around 10-15 minutes. It must had been either a heart attack, or diabetic shock. He appeared to try to go out and drive to get alcohol despite his state of ill health....his keys were found outside in the snow. I didn't hear anything at all when I was in my room at the time since I had headphones on listening to music. He had been feeling quite ill over the past three months and was confined to the couch in our living room watching TV nearly 24/7, only getting up to go to the bathroom. He complained of severe foot pain, was quite irritable, and I had no idea what was wrong with him besides his long-running alcoholism and anger issues. I had hoped he would get better someday but he just kept getting worse....I never really expected that he would die even though the thought had passed my mind a few times. My mom and my sister tried so hard to get my dad to see a doctor but he completely refused to go no matter what, and I wasn't really aware of it all as I typically spent pretty much all the time in my room, on the internet. I've found my family to be extremely stressful and draining to be around typically...so it was what kept me vaguely sane.

I never knew until moments after my dad died that he was a diabetic. My mom told me later that night that diabetes runs in both sides of our family, and I never knew that until then. He had the most horrific looking sores all over his legs. He hadn't been to any doctor since early 2006 when he had surgery to remove a hernia.  He just kept drinking and eating junk food. Since he's been unable to drive, my mom had been buying him alcohol...and I couldn't stand that at all. About a couple weeks before he died, he asked me to buy him beer because my mom's car was still stuck in the snow and I just finished shoveling almost the entire driveway. I completely refused. My mom told me later that a couple days before his death, he had asked her to get him vodka instead of his typical Milwaukee's Best Ice or King Cobra because he "needed something stronger to get to sleep." She refused. Most of what me and my dad said to each other over the last two weeks of his life was "Hi" when I would come home from work or spending time with friends. "Hi" was our last words to each other. He didn't pay attention to me any differently either when I went to Ohayocon in lolita, but then again I don't think he really ever cared. A while back, he told me to stop wearing so much black all the time, but I didn't really pay any attention.

The funeral is this Monday at 1pm, but I am severely dreading being around my extended family. They're devout conservative Christians that just don't accept me as the person I am. Fortunately, my BFF Abi is going to be in attendance, and there's a couple other friends that may come as well. My sister Tarah though has been completely unbearable to be around since that day; she keeps trying to take charge of everything and is being very disrespectful to my mom and I. She no longer wants me to eat anything in the house anymore because "it's mom's money" and "you can afford your own food." She keeps doing the thing where she treats me like i'm a boy and she's doing it worse than ever. (She's nearly as mentally ill as I am, even though she completely denies that anything is wrong with her at all.) It makes me want to kill myself whenever she does it. I used to be a huge tomboy but for some reason she can't let go of that image of me and it hurts so fucking much, especially now. My dad never cared either. My mom has been too stressed and also found my sister to be too unbearable to be around to ever try to make her stop. My sister is so conceited and consistently denies it.

The only silver linings in all of this that I can think of is that the house may be a little quieter for now on, and I can now have friends over since my dad never wanted anyone over at the house. I can tell that he was ashamed that the house has been unfinished all along since we started living here around 22 years ago. I probably won't be able to go to the Emilie Autumn concert this Wednesday in Cleveland (I still really want to though), and I probably won't be able to buy any new lolita for a while either. With absolutely everything going on around me, it feels like that the world around me is falling apart.
I'm scared that at this rate; I won't be able to afford to be myself until i'm old and wrinkly, and then I will never be happy.

My dad was a complete dick, but i'm still going to miss him. I really didn't want to see him go out like that. Nearly all of my positive memories of him were from when I was 6-7 years old or younger, but a part of me still loves him.

Jerome Francis Mahle Jr.
December 28th, 1950 - February 2nd, 2011

Ohayocon 2011 Itinerary

I have just checked out the panel list for this year's Ohayocon, and here is what i'm interested in attending. This may be modified while i'm actually at the con if I want to walk around with people or do other fun things instead. Anyone wanting to hang out is always welcome to.

* - denotes that I most certainly want to be in attendance.

Friday:
Intermediate BJDs - Franklin A-D 3pm
The Great Steampunk Debate - Fairfield A-B 4pm
AMV Contest Showing 1 - Battelle Hall 6:30pm
*Anime and the Victorian Sensibility: Corsets to Harem shows - Fairfield A-B 8pm
Steampunk Clothing By Design - Fairfield A-B 9pm
Wide World Of Vocaloids - Delaware A-B 10pm
Pokemon In Real Life - Union D-E 11pm
Zombie Survival 101 - Union D-E 1am

Saturday:
*Lolita Crush - Hayes 10am
AMV Contest Showing - Battelle Hall 2pm
Touch Tea Tasting - Drury Room A 2:30pm
Dysfunctional Aspects of the Otaku Subculture - Delaware C-D 3:30pm
The GIR Hour - Union D-E 6pm
*Ohayocon Cosplay - Battelle Hall 7pm
Asian Ball Jointed Dolls - Union A 9pm
*Geek Chicks After Dark - Delaware C-D 10:30pm
Yaoi! Adventure Time! - Union B 1am

Sunday:
Steampunk: Mythbusters Unhistory - Fairfield A-B 10:30am
*Hostess' Guide to Lolita Tea Parties - McKinley 11am
Living In Japan - Union A 12:30pm
The Invader Zim Hour - Franklin A-D 1pm
Lolita or Not? - Franklin A-D 2pm
The Elegant Wardrobe - McKinley 3pm
Look Back at Ohayocon 2011 - Battelle Hall 3:30pm
*Steampunk Fashion For Women - Fairfield A-B 3:30pm
*Closing Ceremonies - Battelle Hall 5pm

I will be there for all three days and I will be dressed in either gothic or sweet lolita the entire time. I shall post again once the convention is over with and when my post-con depression is almost gone xD

A Year Of Lolita

Exactly one year ago today, I had attended my very first lolita meetup ever. Me and about five other lolis went to Zen Cha Tea Salon in the Short North where I had some kind of green tea and some onigiri, and I remember thinking how nice everyone really was.  We then went to some lovely furniture store nearby where we took pics of everyone. This was the first time I ever got to see other lolitas in person.  My next lolita excursion wouldn't be until Ohayocon a little over a month later. Lolita and meetups would help me feel hopeful when I felt depressed during much of February when I got mistaken for a guy at Ohayocon, and when my car would get stuck in the driveway nearly everyday from the large amount of snow we got, and my dad would scream at me for at least an hour and wouldn't listen to me about anything.

I have attended seven meetups so far and I have already had such wonderful times. I have expanded into gothic and I now have enough in my loli wardrobe to have an outfit everyday for over a week. I have been in a hiatus from lolita for part of the summer, and from late August on due to a bad depressive episode. I am currently working to get back into loli again now that the seasons have changed, i'm feeling much better, and consequently i'm in a position to get things done again. I hope to start adding to my wardrobe again soon and I am looking to get my nails done for the first time since late April really soon.  I never wore lolita much outside of meetups, but I really want to work up the courage to do so much more often.

I finally got my car fixed after neglecting it a bit for a few months...particularly the brakes needed replaced. I was hoping to get health insurance through my job but it was less useful than I originally thought and I wasn't sure if I could really afford it. Since I had the premiums I paid refunded on my last paycheck, I could finally feel alright about getting my car fixed up. Oh well...i'll just try to live with my mental illness and maybe someday I can get help for it. I really don't want to think about it anymore. *sigh*

I am excited for Christmas for once, since my friend Eve whom I met at Ohayocon offered me to spend the holiday over with her and away from my family, which is a huge relief as well. My family has made the holidays quite underwhelming for the past few years. They just mostly treat it like it's any other day, and I can't remember the last time that my dad was sober on Christmas morning. ;_;
At least this year it won't be a waste.
I want to be the best lolita, goth, living doll, and wayward Victorian I can be for 2011.
Sorry for the inactivity....just haven't felt up to posting on LJ for a while....I will be a bit more active in the future. I haven't spent that much time on EGL or daily_lolita either until not too long ago.
The night is still and the frost it bites my face
I wear my silence like a mask and murmur like a ghost
Trick or treat, trick or treat, the bitter and the sweet
Trick or treat, trick or treat, the bitter and the sweet

The carefree days are distant now
I wear my memories like a shroud
I try to speak but words collapse, echoing, echoing
Trick or treat, trick or treat, the bitter and the sweet
Trick or treat, trick or treat, the bitter and the sweet

I wander though your sadness
Gazing at you with scorpion eyes
Halloween, Halloween
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

A sweet reminder in the ice-blue nursery
Of a childish murder of hidden luster and she cries
Trick or treat, trick or treat, the bitter and the sweet
Trick or treat, trick or treat, the bitter and the sweet

I wander through your sadness
Gazing at you with scorpion eyes
Halloween, Halloween
Halloween, Halloween
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

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Alone again ;_;

Turns out that the girl who i've been madly in love with and who I thought was in love with me over the past month told me last Friday that she just wants to be friends. She hasn't said why, but I don't think I want to know. Just when I thought there was someone out there for me, there isn't. We haven't talked since then, and while I still care deeply about her as a friend....I feel like it wouldn't matter much if we never talked ever again. I really would like to still have her around as a friend, but I just want to put the whole thing behind me. It's so painful to deal with.

I'm currently trying to cope with the fact that i'm likely going to spend the rest of my life entirely alone, without anyone to kiss, cuddle or even hug tightly for as long as I live. When I tell my friends this, they just say that i'm too young to be thinking about such a thing. They don't know how hard it is for me to find love. I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone. I'm too terrified to ask anyone who i'd might really love that I want to start a relationship for many reasons. I'm too depressing for a lot of people to even be around.

All I really want to do with my life for the time being is be the best lolita I can be, and make myself as pretty as my miserable body will let me. I want to look like a perfect little living doll, and be the most adorable thing that people see everyday. I want to feel like myself for once and be as girly and lovely as I should have been all along.
I also want to get down to the weight I was before the summer, and likely even a few pounds lighter than that. A part of me wants to be so thin to the point that it scares people.....and I don't know why. Maybe I want to look like that i'm in need of being cared about on the outside instead of just feeling that way....i'm not sure if that's the right way to put it.
If no one will love me, then maybe I could finally love myself somehow...

In more positive news, I think i'm going to buy more lolita for the first time since May pretty soon. I saw this JSK earlier and it made my day a little better after seeing it: www.babyssb.co.jp/info/yoyaku106P223.html I certainly want to get it...probably in either red or pink. ^^
It also turns out that i'll be getting the Super Dollfie that I ordered. I won't receive it until late November though, but I can't wait. :)
I figured out how to get a bittorrent client working on my phone, so now I can use it's unlimited 3G connection for downloading anime and music 30~40 times faster than what I could on my dial-up.

I think i'm....

...in love. One of my online lolita friends confessed to me that she's had a crush on me. I've always found her very cute and incredibly sweet, so the feeling is pretty much mutual. :D
It's currently a long distance sort of thing, but I really hope we get to see each other in person soon and I really want it to work out. She told me that she may be able to move to Columbus next year as well. I generally dislike LDRs due to the longing and not being able to see the one I love except through pictures online.

I'm on a bit of a hiatus from buying lolita, and I haven't really got dolled up that much at all recently. The summer usually worsens my depression, and i've been very indecisive about what I want to get next. I hope things will start looking up soon. At least I haven't spent my money on anything else, so I can get quite a bit when i'm feeling better. I've gained a few pounds over the summer, and I don't really want to get anything new until i've lost all of that weight.

I've been trying to look forward to things, and there's some things I wanted to do within the next couple months:

Get a ball-jointed doll. I've especially had my eyes on this: www.volksusa.com/osaka6lieselotte.html
I've always wanted one, and I particularly liked Super Dollfies the most. I've always wanted one that came with a loli outfit, so this seems like the best opportunity for me. It's only available through a lottery, which means I may not get it even if I do order. At least I wouldn't pay anything if I don't. Despite the high price, i'd have a bit left over for more loli even if I did get it. I'm still thinking about it.

August 7th loli meetup at the Cuyahoga Valley Scenic Railroad - Maybe, since it's a three hour drive away and i'm a bit wary of driving for that long by myself. I really want to go though so I hope something works out. I miss my friends.

Matsuricon - A small anime convention just north of Columbus that lasts from August 13th through the 15th. About 2/3rds the size of Anime Punch! judging from last year's attendance, so not big but notable. I've found anime cons to be a lot of fun, so I will most likely attend.

Emilie Autumn concert on October 30th - A big maybe like the meetup since it's also in Cleveland, but I really want to see one of her live shows for once. I think VIP tickets are still available as well which means i'd get to meet her in person if I bought one. I don't know though. The thought of something potentially going wrong with my car on the way home on I-71 at 1am kind of scares me.

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